I kept hearing horror stories of how crazy things could be with two children. But hear I am unashamedly admitting in my own adult tantrum, I feel overwhelmed.
The crying. Baby girl cries at any hour in the 24 hours. She is not hungry. She is not hot. She is not cold. She has all her needs met. Maybe she is overtired. Gah who knows why. I would be nursing her (clearly she was hungry) suddenly she starts screaming in my ear. So loud I feel am going deaf. I get up and bounce her around. Sometimes it is at 4am sometimes we are at the restaurant. And a little bit more of my strength and resolve is drained.
The whining. Big girl is in a whiney phase. I cannot stand it after one phrase but if I say stop whining, it increases..then she gets upset and it escalates to a full on loud sobbing. Which wakes baby girl up and she starts crying. Now I want to cry.
The waking ups. Baby girl wakes me up every 2-3 hours at night. She wakes me up during day naps sometimes. Big girl wakes me up with whining/crying what feels like 5 minutes after I fell asleep from baby girl’s morning feed/freak out sessions. So by morning I am so sleepy I could cry. Monday to Thursday I drop big girl at school so I sometimes catch a nap with baby girl and I feel loads better. But today, both girls woke me up with crying like I was in a surround sound movie of baby tantrums. I really wanted to hide at that point. I actually screamed and hid under my pillow for 1 whole minute and counted just counted backwards and forwards.
The tag-teaming. Sometimes they take turns demanding every ounce of me. Baby girls needs the bouncing and as soon as I put her down, big girl is yelling for help with potty time or with a puzzle. Then baby girl needs to eat. And big girl is just around the corner waiting for something else. My only respite is 9pm when they are both asleep at least till 1am. I do so love them and enjoy them. But by night I feel drained with the sleep deprivation, whining, crying, screaming, no’s, feeding, bouncing…
It doesn’t help that this week was as hard for my husband because he had a conference he left for two days in a whirlwind flight. He dealt with timezones and little sleep. He had to work extra this weekend and still he picked up the pieces as best as he could. Where is my village? Where is the extra set of helping hands?
I love my girls and cannot imagine being away from them for a day. But this week, I feel so tired and overwhelmed and I so desperately wish for that village women talk about. For that family member or friend who will just take the girls and give me a few hours to sleep, to stare blankly, to tell me this too will pass.
I feel like I am in the eye of the storm. And no end in sight yet. I know it won’t be so hard soon. I do have some amazing moment with each and with both. But this week, the challenges broke me a little.