This worn out mama

I kept hearing horror stories of how crazy things could be with two children. But hear I am unashamedly admitting in my own adult tantrum, I feel overwhelmed.

The crying. Baby girl cries at any hour in the 24 hours. She is not hungry. She is not hot. She is not cold. She has all her needs met. Maybe she is overtired. Gah who knows why. I would be nursing her (clearly she was hungry) suddenly she starts screaming in my ear. So loud I feel  am going deaf. I get up and bounce her around. Sometimes it is at 4am sometimes we are at the restaurant. And a little bit more of my strength and resolve is drained.

Big sister tried to make her happy with all the toys but baby girl just kept loosing it

The whining. Big girl is in a whiney phase. I cannot stand it after one phrase but if I say stop whining, it increases..then she gets upset and it escalates to a full on loud sobbing. Which wakes baby girl up and she starts crying. Now I want to cry.

Tantrum face

The waking ups. Baby girl wakes me up every 2-3 hours at night. She wakes me up during day naps sometimes. Big girl wakes me up with whining/crying what feels like 5 minutes after I fell asleep from baby girl’s morning feed/freak out sessions. So by morning I am so sleepy I could cry. Monday to Thursday I drop big girl at school so I sometimes catch a nap with baby girl and I feel loads better. But today, both girls woke me up with crying like I was in a surround sound movie of baby tantrums. I really wanted to hide at that point. I actually screamed and hid under my pillow for 1 whole minute and counted just counted backwards and forwards.

The tag-teaming. Sometimes they take turns demanding every ounce of me. Baby girls needs the bouncing and as soon as I put her down, big girl is yelling for help with potty time or with a puzzle. Then baby girl needs to eat. And big girl is just around the corner waiting for something else. My only respite is 9pm when they are both asleep at least till 1am. I do so love them and enjoy them. But by night I feel drained with the sleep deprivation, whining, crying, screaming, no’s, feeding, bouncing…

It doesn’t help that this week was as hard for my husband because he had a conference he left for two days in a whirlwind flight. He dealt with timezones and little sleep. He had to work extra this weekend and still he picked up the pieces as best as he could. Where is my village? Where is the extra set of helping hands?

I love my girls and cannot imagine being away from them for a day. But this week, I feel so tired and overwhelmed and I so desperately wish for that village women talk about. For that family member or friend who will just take the girls and give me a few hours to sleep, to stare blankly, to tell me this too will pass.

I feel like I am in the eye of the storm. And no end in sight yet. I know it won’t be so hard soon. I do have some amazing moment with each and with both. But this week, the challenges broke me a little.

And they go and do something so incredibly sweet

She won’t let me sit

Colic? High need baby? Feisty temperament?

Whatever it is, she won’t let me sit.

I bounce, I shake, I swing, I sway, and I walk when she is on me.

I rock her little crib. I push her stroller back and forth.

Sometimes each ‘action’ can soothe her for 5 min, and sometimes they can last for an hour or two.

But then in between the fussiness, she smiles, and I can go back to bouncing and shaking and swaying for hours to see the next smile again.


Bouncing around in the K’Tan…that is one tired face (mine)



Family of Four

My oh my it has been a while. Here I am now, mama of two littles. And it only took me almost two months to get my act together and start writing about it. Life is chaotic, fun, and beautiful, and just the way I like it.

This type of moment actually keeps happening..pinch me

Our newest addition Zoe is a fire cracker already. She is certainly keeps us on our toes and humbles us and checks our parenting skills. More of that soon…

Taken in a 5 minute period

My sweet big girl is in love with her baby sister, but also learning to adjust to having our attention shared with a sometimes loud and demanding little diva. In short, the kids will be alright.

Alright I do need that sleep before hunger startles baby girl into a panic (it escalates so quickly!)…zzzz


You know what is love? Attending a preschool dance/gymnastics recital

The past weekend, my parents came to town. It was so amazing to host them in our house, show them our daily life, daily things, friends, neighborhoods, and share a snippet of our life. Well it so happened they came when Sophia and her little friends put on a little dance/gymnastics recital.

If you are not a parent or dear friend of that child, you will likely feel tortured, bored, somewhat entertained by the mess, and just all together confused as to why someone would pay to watch this.

First act: One of the kids managed to tumble backwards…I am talking about the tumbling where you put your head on the mat and let your body roll forward in a ball, letting gravity pull you forward. Another kid rolled forward and knocked the kid in front dominoes.

Second act: Older it was slightly better…till one kid got stage fright and just stood there…turned around and ran into the coach.

Third act: tap dance by a couple of 3-4 year olds…need I say more!

Finally we got to Sophia’s group. My eyes welled up with joyful tears, my heart swelled with fierce pride, and the smile on my face could probably rival the joker in its width. There she was standing in the middle with her big curls and blue tutu, following the dance teacher’s instructions 70% of the time and looking just so darn cute. And I realize I could watch the dance recital 100 times just to see that again. Forget what I said about the kids being a hot mess…they are so darned cute and I wish they had another recital I had to sit through again soon.

6 more weeks till we meet baby girl

31 weeks pregnant and I really look big, from all angles! I mean some parts of me are still the same size as know like my ears, my fingers, and my toes. But yeah it feels like I grew everywhere. Here is a recap of the three trimesters so far:

First trimester (week 1-12): So much nausea, so tired, so miserable.

Hahaha I look great


Second trimester (week 13-27):  Still some nausea but some energy back, and fun travels

Belly popped pretty quickly in this pregnancy..and good hair days


Finally ‘glow’ replaced ‘nausea face’


Third trimester (week 28-39+): Nausea mostly gone, nerve pain and aches, prenatal yoga, bike riding, and all the NESTING muhahaha.

Look at my belly at 29 weeks 🙂


Yay for fun travels and birthday treats


All the west coast things: Bike, yoga, and fresh baguettes


Yes I have a label maker and I am not afraid to use it


But really I have done a few things that have helped me so far in the last stretch:

  1. Started prenatal yoga…I could rave about this for hours..I love my yoga instructor and the class..I feel better physically, mentally, emotionally. Thank you Shana and Bhaktishop yoga (and thank you Zahi for pushing me to sign up).
  2. Started biking and walking a lot..that helped curb the weight gain and reduced the aches overall.
  3. Acupuncture: well granted it has only been one session..but I only panicked about the needles for a minute but I was fine
  4. Eating all the veggies and fruits.
  5. Magnesium, calcium, and zinc supplement for crampy legs.
  6. All the water I can possibly drink.
  7. I got the baby room and stuff ready…and really this has been so good for my mental state. I have baby girl’s clothes ready, her change station all set up, her portable crib in our room, car seat purchased, big sister Sophia prepared, my dear mom set to be here few days before delivery. Sigh of relief…I am ready for everything else now.

I just really miss lounging/laying on my tummy and I miss margaritas.

Baby girl, I cannot wait to meet you

Why I do not feel guilty about childcare

I have been working from home since we moved to Portland at the end of summer but it has been part time. Up till she turned 3 in February, she was home with me, and that came with a lot of fun memorable moments. BUT, once first trimester hit in December with baby No2, not only did I start to feel like I was losing myself, I also felt guilty that I wasn’t being fair to her. I had just enough energy to keep my eyes open to make sure she was safe and her basic needs were met. Not a proud mom moment there!

Even with my energy back and my nausea at a manageable level, I still felt guilty and we went ahead and registered her 3 times a week at a preschool close by. At first we started with a half day and the novelty of it was intriguing that she enjoyed it. Then we transitioned her to full days a couple of weeks later. That first week was so tough. She cried so hard when she had to take her first nap that afternoon. She cried so hard I had to go pick her up and soothe her. I figured out why she had a hard day, when they asked her to sleep, she probably thought I wasn’t coming back for a long time, I mean she only sleeps at home. We had a great picnic at the park and I explained to her that I will be there to pick her up at the end of school everyday. That she gets to play, nap, eat, and learn at school and we get to play together right after. What a wonderful surprise the next day, she did just fine and wanted to stay at school even longer.

Here we are 2 months later and she cannot wait to go to school in the morning. She runs to hug me so tight when I pick her up and shows me what crafts or worksheets she did that day. She tells me about all her friends, and we recite their names so many times over. She tells me she had a good nap or she tells me she had no nap with the biggest twinkle in her eyes. She tells me about her best friend of the week. My sweet girl just loves going to school and I could not be happier.

As for me, those 3 days have been so full of work, errands, yoga and just things, that I feel guilty I do not miss her around me more. I leave the house in a flash if I need to, I go into stores and leave without having to buy a new toy or snack. I finish grading or working on the course material without interruptions every few minutes of ‘mommy watch me’ or ‘what’s this?’ I go to appointments and focus on my what the doctor has to say and not whether she is trying to swipe a tongue depressor or jump up on the examining chair next to me (I have a wildly embarrassing 20-week ultrasound story to share at some point). Best of all, when she is done, I can focus the rest of the evening on answering every ‘why’ question, look at every twirl or jump, read every book she brings to me, and smile when she follows me to the bathroom because I did miss her by now and had enough ‘me’ and ‘quiet’ moments to enjoy every energetic 3 year old moment she brings to me. I do not feel guilty, I feel lucky and grateful. Maybe soon I can make some more adult friends I can have grown up conversations while she is at school, for now I am really content. Plus I got to have lunch and hang out with the hubby at his office twice in the past two weeks.

Boy has this been a wordy post. I feel quite strongly about this apparently.


Waves of good vibes: A trip to Maui 

It’s been a long time dream of mine to go to Hawaii and last week it finally happened. We finally made it there..not without some drama of course

Sophia kept us busy and worried but now we know what we are dealing with: asthma.  Poor girl just can’t catch a break with the upper respitory infections. But guess what the ocean did for her, clear out all the gunk and put the biggest and happiest smile back on her face 

My heart simply melted…

And for the first time in a long time, I finally saw Z really feel relaxed and soaking it all in and that just made my heart so full and content 

And up there at the 10,023 feet summit, we made plans to come back as our family of four..yup a little baby girl will be joining us this July ❤

Just so happy…

The seafood was pretty spectacular ..only downside was I couldn’t try the poke but Z did capture some pretty good food photos 🙂 

Just what we needed to break away from a long and tiring winter…i just felt bad for all the flight passengers on our red eye flight back north..I coughed/hacked every 5min..they must have labeled me as patient zero of some viral was rough..oops…but I feel good now…thank you Maui..we will meet again soon


Ocean fan girl